goodbye 2010

I have kind of failed in the way of blogging the past few weeks...so let me do a recap...

colorado/wyoming were great, but i was reminded as to why it had been over two years since being back in wyoming, and will probably be close to that before i go back again...however, my parent's new house is beautiful, and i am excited to see it when it is completely finished...

Sally and I went to disney on ice, which we both loved...i got her a mickey mouse balloon, which traveled in the back seat with us to and from wyoming...auntie jill, sitting between two car seats, with a massive mickey mouse balloon smashed up against my face...it was awesome.

Benji is growing really quickly...2 ounces a day, and he will soon out grow sally...i learned that changing a baby boy's diaper is quite different than a baby girl's, and you have to be very quick about covering up his man parts...the first diaper change ended up in an entire outfit change, i however, was able to escape the episode with no damages. By the end of the trip i was quite proficient at the task...my mom was helping me change his diaper at one point, and i said wow, it has been a very long time since i have seen one of these! my mom was not as amused by the comment as i was, so i kept the chuckles to myself, kind of....

I do love my family very much, but ten days was a lot...i mostly realized that i am not going to be ready for children for a VERY long time, my patients are not quite vast enough, and i value my sleep far too much...maybe in like 10 years i will reconsider...

I did get to go to a fantastic lezzie country night with bond, kelsey, rayna, and her new lady friend, which was absolutely amazing...nostalgia at its best, really...



Christmas was great...i drank champagne, ate too much food, drank peppermint schnapps, looked at christmas lights, and rocked a game or two of taboo...

And now, there is only one more day left of 2010, and all i can say to that is FUCK YOU 2010...2011, i have never been more ready for you!

travel

unlike the last time i flew to denver, i actually woke up on time this time around, and made it to the airport with ample time to spare, and clearly enough time for a quick blog....

i normally drink before i fly so i can sleep really well....today, i am refraining, i only slept for 2.5 hours last night, and have a day full of two tiny children ahead of me. I think it will all be much easier in a sober daze rather than a half drunk/hungover stupor all day...

two things i feel are blog worthy thus far this trip:

1. I am uber jealous of the small child i saw in his red feetie pajamas running away from his dad in the terminal today....that kid has no idea how awesome it is to fly in feetie pajamas...next time, i'm totes flying in frog...

2. I understand the moving sidewalk can be used for those who are really lazy, and want to gain distance with minimal exertion. However, when traveling as a duo, and using minimal exertion, please to not stand side by side....this is very annoying for those of us who use the moving sidewalk as a means to make it to the coffee stand with normal exertion, but at mock 10 speed....thanks.

goodbye portland, hello denver!

finals

i would have to say there are only 2 good things about finals right now...1. it means 2010 is almost over...i have never been so happy to see a year be gone in my life...2. i get to see that new baby on friday, and take sally to disney on ice....

in the mean time, i am going to compile a list of things i would rather do than study for my last final, and suddenly seem really really important:

-actually do my job
-drink copious amounts of coffee just to go to bed at my normal time
-facebook stalk people i don't even know, and definitely don't want to meet
-read every single hyperboleandahalf blog
-read textfromlastnight AGAIN
-wash my two dishes in the sink
-make this list
-organize ALL the things in my house
-make a food menu i know i will never follow
-create a training schedule for the next 12 weeks, but will half asses follow for one
-think of more things to put on this list
-watch bones
-clean my house (again)
-pack for my trip, even though i don't leave til friday
-look at upcoming races in portland
-look up the times of past racers to see where i might place
-google absolutely everything i can think of
-watch ALL of rihanna's music videos
-think about unicorns and glitter
-make plans/plan outfit for new years
-calculate at least 3 times/day how poorly i can do on this final and still pass the class...

missed connection

so, one of my favorite things ever is to read the craigslist missed connections...today I saw this beauty...

"Going to be extremely vague because I don't particularly care if you find this. You came into my work and we caught eyes a couple times. I purposely avoided you and avoided further eye contact. You seem sweet lovin. Email me back with where I work and what color flannel I was wearing."

my favorite part being "email me back with where I work and what color flannel I was wearing."

I have a feeling this person is going to get like 4894 responses, because this describes pretty much every dyke in portland with a job...

I hope that in the summer I read one that says "me: hipster, wearing jorts, fashion mullet, drinking pbr, we made eye contact and smiled, i felt a real connection, i wrote a poem about it, i hope someday i can read it to you...you: hippie girl in chaco's, unshaven legs, wearing plaid, drinking water out of a mason jar, your scent of patchouli oil was unforgettable....maybe we can meet for coffee and discuss the the status quo? e-mail me back if this is you..."



I think I will post that one just for fun, just to see if i get any responses....

les(be friends)

this is the text message i got from my best friend today:

I haven't had dick for over a year! Crazy! Don't know why i felt the need to share that with you but wanted to :) love ya!

and as far as i know she has not taken a vow of celibacy...so this can only mean one thing, folks....

arrival

so, after 9 months of anticipation (well, only 7 for me), the baby has arrived...sadly, my name suggestion did not make the cut, but i am fairly satisfied with the name picked....Benji Leo....from what i can see so far, he is pretty cute, and he has already peed on jane, and on his own face...hopefully he will learn quickly that peeing on one's own face isn't really acceptable...anywhoo, here he is:



and sally is already pretty excited to be a big sister...however my favorite thing is that she calls benji her baby sister, and just laughs when she is corrected...love love love!



i am debating how upset my family will get if i call benji sawyer anyway...i mean, i'm probably never going to have children, so shouldn't i get to name at least one of hers? Either way, benji is pretty perfect, and i'm gonna go visit him, sally, maria, and weston in 10 days, i can't wait!

also, question....if this is jane and byron's new baby, does that make sally an old baby, or like out of date, or used, or just less new?...hmmmm....

"art"

thing i draw on my phone during class:

"wolf in boots"


the original wolf in boots is currently in an undisclosed location...

"dc"



my rendition of what dc looks like, prior to me going....i must say, i was pretty accurate...

"rainbow spewing dragon"



"i have no idea what you are, but you have rainbow hair, therefore i love you"


i think i need to start taking more difficult classes, or start paying attention....rest assured, there will be new art as the year continues....

EDIT

immediately after posting my last post i realized that was not a unicorn, it was a rainbow horse....i am not a horse girl, i am a unicorn girl...i think i became infatuated with the rainbow mane, i didn't realize that horse didn't have a horn, therefore is not a unicorn...i am probably going to give that rainbow horse an inferiority complex, but this is a unicorn, and i really love unicorns....



also, i google image searched "real purple unicorn" the results were devastating, don't EVER do it....

brain washing

so, ever since i blogged about washing my brain i have been kind of obsessing about it....last night i have had horrible visions of brain washing....literally...i mean, i have never seen an actual human brain, but i'm pretty sure it doesn't come apart in pieces, that look similar to an intestine....but last night, when i was trying to go to sleep, all i could imagine was my brains being taken out of my head and it being washed, but it didn't look like brain, it looked more like small intestine, and i swear i could feel it stinging...i think i am officially going crazy...



apparently i'm not the only person who has thought of brain washing literally...i feel so much more normal now.



from now on i will only think about unicorns, that way they will be the last thing i think about before i go to bed...i hope i have a dream that i am a unicorn.

rawr

i'm not really sure how to start this blog, but it is probably going to be my most epic blog post yet...but before i start, i think you should know that i often have some epic ideas for blogs, but i am not at a computer, and when i return to a computer and begin to blog, i have completely forgotten what i wanted to blog about and so no blog comes to be....but today, when this blog came to me, i told myself i would remember this blog, and so far i have, so now i must start, as to not forget and repeat the cycle....

so, this morning, i was in the shower washing my hair, and as it was lathering, i began imagining washing my brain...and began wondering if washing my brain would get all of the dirty thoughts out of my head, but before i could even finish that thought i began panicking on getting all of the soap out of my brain...like if i didn't get all the soap out of my brain would it remain in the wrinkles and sting? and then i remembered my sister's baby is due on saturday...for the past nine months i have been hoping for a baby boy...mostly because i want to dress it in cute flannels and sweater vests and boots, and call it sawyer, no matter what it's real name is...but then this morning i started freaking out (again) about said baby being a boy while i was thinking about rinsing all the shampoo out of my brain--i realized that changing a baby boy's diaper is far different than a girl's diaper...there are more attachments and wrinkles...and what if i don't properly clean sawyer's wrinkles and his penis falls off? I will never be allowed to babysit again! and then i imagined getting peed on by this baby boy, because that shit will spray...but that can be prevented...i will get a birthday party hat to put on baby's pee-pee so it doesn't pee on me--now that part doesn't scare me anymore. but maybe jane can just have a girl now, that i can dress in flannel and sweater vests and boots and call sawyer. problem solved.

I don't remember if it was before or after all of this, but i was reading my new favorite blog which you should totally check out and the author talks a lot about wearing a wolf shirt...and this made me remember that kelli martin thought she was a native american when she was little, and in my mind, she wore a wolf shirt that said "montana" on it, but i don't think you will get the full effect unless i draw a picture....


that is the best i could do on my first try.

before i finish this blog i must tell you what i saw on my way to work today...i saw a girl wearing short running shorts and dark brown uggs...this is a fashion fail...if you know that you will be wearing short running shorts, please refrain from wearing uggs, or if you know that you are going to be wearing uggs, please refrain from wearing short running shorts...but, at least she had warm ankles....

oh, and i want a purple unicorn cake for christmas, one that is standing up, or raring back, with rainbows coming out of its mouth and a mane of rainbow....

power animal

it has become clear to me that the unicorn is my power animal...



my power animal unicorn is magical and can change colors, and is usually purple, but for purposes of this blog is going to remain white.

for christmas i would like this in size xs...thanks santa.

communication

so, this week, i was told that i communicate physically....i think that explains whey i really like this:



and this:



and this:



and when asked to do this:


(and i don't mean become a cartoon, i could totally do that...i mean "communicating" but maybe if i started wearing a bow in my hair i could communicate better...i'm gonna try that)

my mind does this:



and i freakthefuckout and my mind shuts down......and i don't really get it because my job and survival relies on excellent communication skills, and i think i do a pretty damn good job of communication at work. but when it comes to my personal life, and communication, all i want to do is this:


(and i don't mean be on the l word, i mean cuddle, but i would be really okay being shane so i could cuddle carmen)

maybe communication is a skill i can learn to work on....

o.m.g.

=oh. my. glee.



glee dance party: tomorrow night. in my mind it will be similar to the lady gaga episode. i'm going as Brittany S. Pierce, in my cheer outfit.

eff!!

three hours ago i bought these...



three minutes ago i spilled this on those:



fml.

luckily i have this:



i will sleep like a baby on that plane.

my extended weekend....

where i am going:



where i am staying:


who i am sleeping with hoping to meet:

kitty purry...

love love love....

S&M

"I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it..." -Rihanna, S&M



Thank you, Rihanna, for summing up my life in such a perfect phrase....I think this means we should have babies together.

Ellen...

First, let me just say, I think that Ellen De-G is like sooo hot! I hope that I look this hot when I am 50 (and have a wife as hot as portia)...I am going to need to purchase some vests. and like 293 pairs of sweet sneakers, then we'll basically be like twins.



Also, in my quest to become Ellen De-G, please begin calling me by my middle name...

I can haz?

all i really want is a pile of puppies...



or at least just these two...

searching...

i am currently searching for a sassy gay friend like this...if you are a sassy gay, or know a sassy gay, please submit a resume and cover letter to me...also, my sassy gay friend must wear a sassy scarf....

the rumors are true

I forgot to tell everyone this on monday, but question not, it's still true....

spelling

today, at work, i learned how to properly spell defecate/defecating/defecated, this is why i love my job, i learn fun things about poop. gross, i don't think i like day shift. i wonder what i will learn in the remaining two and a half hours?!

bike lanes

dear portland bikers,

the city of portland just spent nearly $1,000,000 installing these super safe bike lanes for you, which by the way i hate, so please, kindly, effing use them! you are really cramping my driving style.

obsessed

i am currently obsessed with the color purple and skinny ties....and preferably the two combined...like this:



i plan on spending like $85976132988 tomorrow shopping, i better find the perfect tie.

love note

This is why i love my job, and the always gracious students i serve... The first love note of the 2010-2011 school year left on the patrol car andrew and i were driving (left on the second day of school).

25

I am officially a quarter century old today. does this mean i have to start getting my life together? that sounds stressful.

I didn't get this for my birthday, it's the only thing i asked for. i guess there is always next year.



CHEERS TO 25!

Denver

Where I stated that my blogs would be cynical, this one will not be. In fact, this blog is the sorta the softy side of me....so, exactly a week ago i flew to denver. The trip started off with me nearly missing maxine (aka max, the light rail to the airport. I was supposed to wake up at 4 to catch maxine at 4:35 downtown. I slept through my alarm til 4:25, bolted out of bed (didn't even get to brush my teeth) and out the door, and made it to maxine just as she was pulling up-perfect.

My mom picked me up at the airport and took me to Jane's house. As we pulled up the perfection of my weekend began. I was greeted by 5 kids flying out the door, as well as the rest of my family. Missy gave me my favorite present and card, signed in her best handwriting


And Payton made me the best birthday cake ever:

and then missy made me a blueberry pie, and sally made me several "Happy's" as she calls them...


and then there was some spectacular backyard camping, and not a single spook got us!

and on my last day, sally and i went on a walk to her favorite place, which she had been telling me about all weekend: starbucks, for chocolate milk. She is definitely my niece, teaching her about coffee/yuppie things at a young age.

oh, and how could i forget...sally is learning how to wink, and it is quite possibly the funniest and cutest thing ever!


The trip home was perfect...i spent quality time with my family, played hard with the kids, caught up with some old friends, and i can't wait to go back for longer in december when that new baby comes! i am hoping for a boy, but sally is pretty sure it's gonna be a girl, we will see who wins.

My flight home was delayed slightly due to a lightening storm, and to give you an idea of my experience on the flight, i think i would have been more comfortable, and had far more room, had i opted to stow myself in the overhead bin...

My work week is nearly over, and this weekend I will be celebrating my birthday, and I will probably go to my first day of class on monday feeling like only a dolla dolla bill, yo...luckily i am getting really good at starting off the quarter mildly hung over...here's to fall quarter 2010!

Post numero UNO (that means #1, in spanish)

So, as you can see from the title of this blog, I am basically bi-lingual, just chalk that up to pure genius, as I have never taken a Spanish class in my life...I went to Mexico once, so I'm pretty damn cultured as well. Plus, when it comes to Cinco de Mayo, I can drink Jose and corona with the with the best of 'em...and by "em" i clearly mean white college kids wearing sombreros...so yeah...bi-effing-lingual.

Anyway, enough about my bi-lingual genius....I have wanted to start a blog for quite some time, but I couldn't figure out what exactly to call it, I have pondered it, mulled a few ideas around in my head, even ASKED a few people for suggestions--don't worry, I politely acknowledged the ideas, but would never ACTUALLY use somebody else idea (who know else's wasn't a word)! So, today, while biking to work (because i'm super portland like that) BAM it came to me....cynicallyinsane...effing genius, right! Sorry folks, I can't bring myself to say the ACTUAL eff word on here (yet), because I know my mom will read this, and I need to protect her innocence....anyhoo...i came to work, logged in to blogspot, and decided it was time to put my genius idea on the world wide web...much to my dismay cynicallyinsane was ALREADY TAKEN...devastation! so, alas, cynicallyill is what you get...and really, just as accurate.

So, with a great name for the blog, naturally the next question, is what in the h does one blog about, especially for their first blog? so, this is what you get for blog number one. I promise (well, kinda promise) not to be consistently cynical, but promise to always be cocky. I hope to update regularly, and will often write one line blogs, that probably have zero relevance to anyone but myself, but you will still read them, because you want a taste of my witty humor. i hope for lots of comments, which may only include inappropriate humor....

cynically,

jc